


love like you

by bisexualhamlet



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Chloe Valentine, Chloe Valentine is Bad At Feelings, F/F, Falling In Love, a callout post to myself, author is projecting her insecurities onto a fiction character, but nothing too detailed just a few sentences, but since shes based on me and my feelings, chloe came off as aroace, chloe valentine doesn't know how to love, gets a little dark, i can assure you she isnt, i think, jake has bad parents, jenna just wants them to be happy, kind of, shes just bad at feelings, when it comes to jake and rich's parents, why isnt that a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 04:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17676455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualhamlet/pseuds/bisexualhamlet
Summary: “I care about Brooke, too. A lot. And I would do anything to make her happy.” Jenna didn’t look happy with her response, but before she could reply, Brooke exited the store, pleased with her toppings. Chloe tried to match her smile, but she could hear Jenna’s voice join the symphony in her mind. Don’t make her fall in love with you if you wouldn’t do the same. She swallowed hard and slid her fingers between Brooke’s as they walked, and her bright smile distracted her from the storm in her head.





	love like you

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if its bad i couldnt stop writing this  
> unedited as usual ill fix typos if i see them (if i ever reread this since its kind of personal and i just want these dumb thoughts out of my head)

Chloe had never been great at articulating what went through her head. She had no filter, and when she spoke, it often didn’t come out the way that she had thought it. She found that it took a few meetings for someone to realize that she wasn’t always conscious of how others interpreted what she said. It was easier for her to just embrace the appearance that her words often gave her, easier to sneer at people who looked hurt rather than try to explain herself.

Her friendships flourished with patience, with a bit of understanding. Jake was too calm, too chill about most things, but he could wait while she worked out what she was trying to say, and he smiled and encouraged her when she got stuck in her own thoughts, unable to put thoughts together. Rich was hyper, his mind moving as fast as hers, and he understood what she was trying to say without her explaining, and when her filter stopped working and her words were on the brink of viciousness, he let it slide off him (and never ignored her calls when she realized she what she said and wanted to apologize).

It was different with Brooke, though. With Brooke, she could think about her words, but what came out of her lips was different from the thoughts in her head.

* * *

 

“She likes you, did you know that?” Chloe dropped her spoon, her mouth falling open, not taking note of the spoon hitting the dirt. Jenna made a face at the spoon, but looked back up at Chloe.

“Brooke?” Jenna let out a breathy laugh and nodded, turning to look at Brooke, who was carefully picking out toppings inside the store.

“She’s delicate. She likes to act like she isn’t, but she is. Her heart is still pinned to her sleeve-”

“I know. We’re best friends, in case you haven’t noticed. She’s not a little kid. I don’t need any sort of talk.” Jenna laughed again.

“You do know, but it’s not her that I’m worried about.”

“It sounds like you think I’ll hurt her.” Jenna’s smile dropped and she looked down at her cup.

“I don’t want either of you to get hurt. She’s planning on doing this big gesture to confess her feelings, which we all tried to talk her out of, but she insists on doing it.” Jenna shook her head and glanced over. Brooke was still picking out toppings. “I can tell she cares a lot about you, and she would be happy to be with you. I just don’t know… if you would feel the same.”

Chloe felt her throat close up and she looked away, unable to meet Jenna’s gaze. She had never considered dating anyone seriously, not even when she thought she would end up marrying Jake, and the thought of being with Brooke made her heart beat faster.

Her parents weren’t together because they loved each other, they were together for her, and the tensions often ran high at dinner, and she could barely make it through a meal with their passive-aggressive comments towards each other making her stomach twist. They didn’t always wait until she was gone to start the screaming matches. When she was little, her mother told her that they had sworn to never fight in front of her, but after the first few times she hid in her closet to muffle the screams, she stopped believing in their promise. After the first few years, she stopped believing in love altogether. She knew they cared deeply about her, and she cared deeply about them and her friends, but love was out of the question. After meeting her friends’ parents, they didn’t change her mind. Rich’s mom was stronger than anyone she knew, and his dad frightened her more than any movie villain ever would. Was this what love was? Was it dreading the time the person that was supposed to love you comes home? Jake’s parents were nice enough, but they were hardly home and when Jake invited Chloe and Rich over when they were kids, he accepted their absence as the norm. Was _that_ what love was? Was it being so enamored with someone that everything else seemed irrelevant, even the very being that was born out of that love? Jeremy’s dad was alone, and sad, and stuck in his own head when he looked out the window, and his touch lingered on the photos that were face down, and Jeremy couldn’t meet her gaze when his dad’s sentences trailed off. Was that what love was? Was it leaving, just walking away? Was it staying behind when they left, not fighting for them? Michael’s moms were different, and she wished hopelessly that she had met them earlier, before her parents started fighting, before Jake’s started leaving him behind, before Rich started hiding behind his mother’s legs, before Jeremy’s mom left, before her mind distorted the illusion of love, before she had to press her face into her knees and promise herself that she would never fall in love.

“I care about Brooke, too. A lot. And I would do anything to make her happy.” Jenna didn’t look happy with her response, but before she could reply, Brooke exited the store, pleased with her toppings. Chloe tried to match her smile, but she could hear Jenna’s voice join the symphony in her mind. _Don’t make her fall in love with you if you wouldn’t do the same._ She swallowed hard and slid her fingers between Brooke’s as they walked, and her bright smile distracted her from the storm in her head.

* * *

 

“Will you miss me?” Chloe looked up from her phone and noticed the stiff way that Brooke was putting her clothes away.

“What? Of course I will.” Brooke sighed and hugged the sweatshirt she was holding to her chest.

“It’s just- well, I’m leaving this week and you haven’t really… I don’t know, maybe it’s just me being dumb.” Chloe pushed herself off the bed and picked up one of Brooke’s shirts. She wouldn’t be taking this one with her, but she wasn’t going to throw it away, something about having _too much sentimental value._

“You aren’t being dumb, Brooke. You know it’s hard for me to- ah, you know.” She felt her face heat up and folded the shirt. “But I will miss you. Of course I’ll miss you.” Brooke turned to her, expression soft and her hair glowing in the bad lighting of her cheap floor lamp.

“Promise?” There was a part of her that was relieved Brooke would be gone for higher education. It was good for her career, logically, but it had all felt… strange, like she had been wearing a costume long after a party ended, like she was someone else, like her skin didn’t fit her, like she was forgetting herself. Being with Brooke hadn’t changed much, and she hadn’t really expected it to. There was romantic interactions now, and she didn’t _hate_ them, didn’t hate how Brooke’s lips always tasted like lip balm, how her fingers fit between Chloe’s, how Brooke blushed, how soft her hair was. She didn’t mind it, but it felt like acting, like she had read a guide to dating and was just mimicking what she had seen. But it made Brooke happy. _She_ made Brooke happy.

And that was enough.

“Promise.”

* * *

 

Brooke had her arms wrapped around Chloe’s waist, face pressed into Chloe’s hair, while Chloe was frozen in place, the sponge in her hand dropping into the sink. Brooke tightened her grip and Chloe heard her mumble _well is that a no?_ and Chloe felt her arms drop, the cold metal sink startling her.

“You want to marry me?” Brooke adjusted her arms and nodded, and Chloe continued to stare forward. She thought of her parents, unhappily married, staying together for her sake. She wanted to say that to Brooke. She wanted to tell Brooke _i don’t believe in marriage, i don’t believe in staying in love and staying married, i don’t believe in a happily ever after, because i’ve never seen it._ She thought of Rich’s parents and wanted to say that to Brooke, too. She wanted to say _i don’t want us to end up hating each other, to cling to each other for the sake of a safety net, i don’t want to be with you until we scream at each other._ She thought of Jeremy’s parents and wanted to start crying. She wanted to say _i don’t want to be alone anymore, i don’t want to open my walls and have you walk out of them._ She thought of Michael’s moms and felt tears bubble up in her eyes. She wanted to say _i don’t believe in love, i don’t believe in being in love, but if i were to fall in love with anyone, i want it to be with you, i want it to be you._

“Yes.”

* * *

 

“I thought you said you wouldn’t play with her feelings.” Chloe groaned and turned, already feeling a headache form. Jenna was raising her eyebrow.

“I’m not.”

“You are. Why are you marrying her if you aren’t in love with her?”

 _“I am in love with her!”_ Tears welled up in her eyes and she could see Jenna’s fall drop through blurry vision. She shut them and sank to the floor, knees hitting the floor uncomfortably. Arms wrapped around her.

“Chloe, talk to me.” Her throat felt tight, and she couldn’t breathe, but Jenna sat with her, rubbing her back until her breathing evened out.

“I’ve thought about it, you know- breaking up with her.” She hiccuped. “But whenever I thought about it, I just- I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it, I didn’t _want_ to. I still don’t.” She pulled away from Jenna and gave a watery laugh. “I’ve tried dating before her, and it never felt like it would last. Commitment... it’s just… it's not my thing. And about a month into dating her, I felt it again. I was scared and I wanted to just end it, but just thinking about it made me sick and I almost threw up.”

Jenna pulled her hand away.

“That’s not what love is, Chloe. It isn’t healthy.”

“I want it to be her.” She looked up, and she could see the pity on Jenna’s face. “For the first time, I feel _something_ and maybe it’s not love, but I want it to be her. I want a life with her, I want her to be my future.”

But Jenna stood and walked away, and Chloe felt like a child again, wrapping her arms around her knees, closing her eyes, and wishing desperately that she could take back the promise she made to herself as a child.

* * *

 

“Jenna told me what you said.” Her stomach twisted. “Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have… I wouldn’t have proposed if you had told me!” Brooke’s cheeks were red, and there was a fire in her eyes. Chloe reached out and pressed her hands against them, squeezing her eyes shut and leaning her forehead against Brooke’s, heart pounding in her head.

“I don’t know what love is, Brooke. I’ve never seen anyone who’s in love have a happy ending. And I don’t know if I’m… if I’m capable of loving you the way you want me to.” Brooke huffed, but she didn’t pull away. “But I want to. Brooke, I want to love you. I _do_ love you, but I want to be in love with you. You’re the only person who’s made me _want that._ I’ve never felt like this. I’ve never felt this way towards anyone. I want you to be the one. I want it to be you. I want us to work, I want to make you happy.”

“Do I make you happy?” She opened her eyes, but Brooke had hers closed.

“What?”

“Do I make _you_ happy?”

“Yes.” Brooke opened her eyes and smiled that wonderful soft smile that always muted the thoughts in her head.

“Do you want to be with me?”

“Wha- Brooke, I just said ye-”

“Will you try to make me happy?”

“I would do anything to make you happy, I don’t understand.” Brooke laughed and pulled away and wiped a stray tear off her face.

“Chloe, that sounds like love to me. It sounds like what I feel for you.” She felt her throat tighten and her vision blurred. Brooke took one of her hands and pressed it to her cheek.

“There’s no one definition of love. No one can tell you how you’ll know you’re in love, it’s something that only _you_ can feel. There’s a big, beautiful world out there, and you shouldn’t worry about whether you’re normal. If you don’t know if you’re in love with me, the only way you’ll ever know is if you stop thinking you’re incapable of love. If you’re aro, that’s okay, too. I’ll love you in any way I can.” A sob broke out from her throat and Brooke looked startled, but Chloe shook her head, pulling Brooke into her arms, fingers sliding into her hair and breathing in the smell of her shampoo, the smell of home. Brooke was everything, her stability, her warmth, her patience, she smelled like the detergent they used, like the expensive lotion they shared, like the cheap body wash they had bought to save up for the lotion. She wanted to love Brooke, to be in love, to know that she was in love, rather than just get choked up when she woke up before Brooke because she looked beautiful in the morning, and she looked beautiful as she was falling asleep, and she looked beautiful at breakfast, at dinner, when they were buying groceries, she looked beautiful always, and Chloe never knew how to say it, never knew how to express what she was thinking.

It was different with Brooke, because Brooke was her home, her family, the person she would fall in love with someday.

_(or she would realize that she was in love with brooke all along. she didn’t ever get her question to what love was, but being with brooke everyday, seeing her at her best, at her worst, at her most terrible, at her most breathtaking, waking up to her, falling asleep with her, being with her, that was what love was.)_

**Author's Note:**

> read = human brain  
> read & kudos = big brain  
> read & kudo and /or comment = galaxy brain


End file.
